The Power of Silence

newproject_2_originalPeople want to be heard and they use words and gestures to achieve this (duh). If they do not receive the response or attention they want, they may raise their voices louder and make grander gestures. Whilst this is an obvious point to make about humans, it is often forgotten that silence can be even more powerful.

A typical example is bartering. A proposition is made to buy something for £10. The proposition is declined and a counter offer is made of £20. This is declined and the buyer asks to meet in the middle at £15. The seller pauses to consider this and a silence is created. If the buyer assumes in the silence that the seller is going to say no, he may break the silence and say, ‘what about £17.50?’. The seller is immediately happier as the price is nearer to his original asking price. Had the buyer let the silence hang in the air, the seller may have concluded that it was in fact reasonable to meet in the middle at £15. This art of negotiation can be used for anything, as long as silence is utilised effectively.

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If you ask someone a direct question, always leave it to them to break the silence, otherwise you disturb their thought process and inadvertently end up where you didn’t want to be. Silences like this can be majorly uncomfortable, although once you see the rewards of staying silent, you will find things go your way more often and it is easier to do. The reason for this is that the respondent often feels pressured to answer a direct question quickly and are therefore more likely to  please in haste. In a sense, it is ruthless, however, this skill is beneficial in official settings such as debates, business and protests.

Another way that silence is powerful is when someone or a group of people are attempting to tear you down, either mentally, physically, or both. This behaviour is mainly rooted in jealousy. Jealousy is just as powerful as silence, but it is a negative emotion that can be destructive. If someone calls you a name or spreads hate about you, the worst thing you can do is respond. As soon as that response is made you are in the same categories as them, petty and childish. Remember…

‘Queens don’t leave their thrones for peasants throwing stones’

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The people who know you personally will not pay attention to such comments anyway and any external people who feed hateful behaviour are not worth your time. We live in a politically correct yet judgemental society which is for the most part ‘noisy’. This means silence is now our greatest power. Show people how to behave and progress by focusing on enjoying and furthering your own life. Don’t brag just live! We’re not all born with thick skin but we are born with the ability to be indifferent. In time, the negatives will realise that they are not going to get the response they want from you and that they look more and more ridiculous each time they attempt to strip you of your worth. Let them show the world who they are. Your silence speaks louder than their voice ever could.

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This is applicable to other situations, such as people trying to engage you in negative conversations. If Sandra tells you that she can’t stand Sharon for X, Y and Z reasons, but you like Sharon, don’t sell her out just for the bants. If you stay silent, Sandra will be forced to reconsider if what she just said was appropriate or not. She may continue venting in your silence, or she may pause, think and then break the silence by back tracking, ‘but Sharon’s alright really’. Lols. Engaging in negative conversations about others does not result in positive outcome for yourself. Your circle is representative of who you are, so use your silence to reveal people.

Silence is also an educator for children. It can be majorly frustrating when a child misbehaves or simply won’t listen. Many parents get into the routine of telling their kids off and even arguing with them to stop bad behaviour. The easiest tool to use is…silence!

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This must be backed up with all the willpower you can muster though. Children want attention and they do that by making noise. If you stay silent they will get louder and if you give in at this point then silence can no longer be your weapon of education. However, if you stay silent and let the child’s noise levels peak (even if they’re screaming!) they won’t be able to sustain it in your silence.

20170414_133905No words, no eye contact, no moving them or yourself away. Just still silence. As children’s attention spans are short, they will eventually move on to doing something else. Stay silent until they show a positive action or say positive words. Doing this consistently builds into the child’s consciousness that if they do positive things they will get a positive response. If they do negative things, it will isolate them. Let’s face it, that’s how it is in the adult world and if they grow up with this skill, they will use it effectively in their adult lives. Win win!

So, there you go, a few ways to make silence your all conquering friend.

Birthday Blog

newproject_1_original-7Today is my birthday. (Edit…it was two days ago)

Born 9th April 1988, on the 100th day of the year, on the 142nd Grand National Day, just after 1pm. My dad lost his bet…a great start.

Throughout my twenty-nine years on this earth I have pretty much had as much freedom as I have wanted. What a beautiful thing. Reflecting on that, I admit I did not use that freedom wisely most of the time, which is selfish when considering how much some people would simply like freedom. On turning twenty-nine I still unashamedly enjoy some of the same things as I did when I was 9 or 19. I feel I have also learned a million life lessons…but I didn’t feel like that when turning 28…

…interesting.

It is a common notion that knocking on thirty’s door is a time of growing up ‘properly’ once and for all. No more excuses for bad behaviour or for not looking after yourself. Spontaneous drinking sessions with friends fade and those annoying things start to batter at your walls…
…expectations.

As the big 3 0 looms closer, there are suddenly one hundred and one expectations placed20170411_102615 on us. ‘When are you having kids?’ and ‘When are you getting married?’ …are the most frequently asked questions if you haven’t already done those things. Of course, millions treasure the idea of domestic bliss…but not all. There are still those who are happy to embrace the opportunities that arise from simply being one with oneself. The absence of responsibility and obligation is its own fairy-tale and it’s not one that we can all give up easily. It is a little bewildering as to why some view this as unusual or horrifying; ‘time is running out if you want to settle down!’. These kinds of responses can push us in to thinking we must act to keep up with the ‘norms’ of society, instead of growing old alone in a cardboard box somewhere as our heart really desires.

Even when you do embrace a life other than the domestic one, it won’t be good enough for everyone. If you haven’t completed their imaginary list of things to do before you’re thirty then you’re a big fat failure. When our minds cloud with other people’s expectations and ideals we ultimately lose ourselves. And that is the key to happiness at any age. The relationship with Self. Living in the moment by doing what you enjoy as an individual will attract what you truly want in life. Any energy dispelled on people who can only give you negative opinions, rather than adding value to your life, will only hold you back in the long run. They will make you second guess yourself, go against your gut and before you know it you’re knocking on the door of the next decade wondering where it all went wrong.

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People with expectations about how others should live have little going on in their own life (or they’re insecure so they pull others down with them). Let them do that while you do you with a happy mind, whatever your age. The moment you allow yourself to chase life validation you begin to fight a losing battle. Only misery and disappointment will ensue, simply because you’re not living your own truth.

So, in this last year of my twenties, I solemnly swear…to be myself. Young at heart with my mind closed to the expectations of others.

Keyboard Warriors

wp-1485965304685.pngThe first step to getting along with someone with an opposing opinion (and possibly changing their mind and creating peace), is acceptance and understanding. Even if that means accepting you can’t change their mind or understand their view. This can be difficult if the topic in question is sensitive such as racism, sexism, religion, Brexit or Donald Trump. I myself was called a fascist this week, which made me laugh myself to tears. I’ve also been called diplomatic but it was meant as an insult…yes seriously. Am I supposed to scream and shout and carry a weapon instead? Apologies for treating humans as humans, my bad. Unfortunately, those who label others don’t realise they feed the right-wing mindsets of this world and ultimately assist in promoting fascism, racism, religious intolerance and all manner of other evils. The bottom line is, any group that is organised is hierarchical and to truly understand the mechanics of the world we must step outside it and look at the wider context.

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Perhaps being a historian allows me to do this a little easier, as I am forever required to put myself in different historical shoes; men, women, devout religious followers, politicians, soldiers, indigenous peoples and so on. The notion that you cannot possibly understand something until it has happened to you is a bit too extreme (in my opinion, please don’t cry). Humans have compassion and empathy built into their DNA, although using it is by choice. If you claim someone does not ‘understand’ without knowing anything about them, then it makes you the ignorant bigot. And this is the problem with our society in the twenty first century, we’re all social media keyboarding bigots.

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Keyboard warriors just cannot help themselves. They type without thinking. I have been there myself when feeling passionate and instantly regretted it. This approach  just does not work. If you cannot have a debate without it turning into a heated argument, then you’re probably better just logging off for your own wellbeing. Those who continue relentlessly usually aren’t well read and most likely eat up the headline of every article they did not read. Finding the truth or getting to a place of understanding (understanding something doesn’t mean you agree!) takes research and a degree of cross referencing. Being unable to entertain a thought you don’t agree with means you’re being close minded. This approach will make it difficult for you to place people and events in a wider context. It also results in a lack of personal growth. Sadly, many individuals go with majority opinions without researching topics themselves because they either-

  1. Don’t know their own opinion or how to form it.
  2. Are brainwashed
  3. Are attention seeking
  4. Bored of their existence

Those who are adamantly opposed to any opinion but their own will always focus on the negatives. They will find numerous problems with your solutions and anything you verbalise will fall on deaf ears, even if it makes sense. It is admirable and strong to stand alone in your opinion, although speaking to be right only wastes time and energy and does not bring any form of peace or understanding. You’ll know if someone knows their stuff because they will debate, not argue with you. Anyone who evokes their anger does so due to feeling uninformed and backed into a corner, as they do not really know enough to keep the debate going peacefully.  Anyone with a well-informed opinion will stay humble and hit you with facts. Don’t be too proud to admit it if you have come around to their way of thinking either. This is how society should operate!

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In closing, there is no shame in changing your opinion or sticking with it, providing you are willing to consider and examine the views of others. Those who respond with anger by labelling you or getting upset are the ones that create mass panic in this world. Only brainless people will be keen to jump on that band wagon. Unfortunately, social media is full of people like this so 99% of the time you will face persecution if your opinion differs from the majority. Don’t let this get you down though, things could be worse…you could be living like them… with your eyes wide shut.

So, remember, knowing is being well read, taking time to read between the lines and coming to your own conclusions, not taking a headline and running with it. Do this and at least your opinion will have understanding from all perspectives, rather than the agenda of someone else.

WHY MEN CHEAT

 

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monogamy

noun

  • the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.

 

Some believe that monogamy is not human nature and like wild animals we are supposed to mate using our instincts. If this was the case (which for some it is), no doubt we would quickly overpopulate the earth. Others argue that monogamy is a worldwide conspiracy set up by governments to control the world population! An interesting topic to explore…but we’ll shelve that one for now.

There are of course those traditionalists (or some us call them ‘normal people’) who believe in monogamy and they can’t wait to dance in the joys of marriage, babies, glitter and cheesy selfies. But how do these hopeless romantics, who appear to have the world at their feet, end up in a place where the man decides to cheat?

Well, there are countless reasons that could be put forward, however, in general, there is a pattern amongst men… and women.

Men are animals in their nature. They have basic needs ‘eat, sleep, sex, repeat’, with maybe a workout and a console sesh in-between. Many can have sex as a leisure activity and not be emotionally effected by it the next day. Women often ask their adulterating partners ‘how can you cheat on me if you love me?’.  Well, having sex with someone else does not necessarily mean they do not love their woman any more, it may just be that they are unhappy with them or themselves. It could be they’re not getting what they need physically because the woman is upset and is withholding sex.

Unfortunately, some males also like shiny new things they have never played with beforewp-1484593586884.png and they cannot exercise self-control. Males who act this way on a regular basis are in fact boys, because their head has not figured out what they want and so they lead with their helmet and hope for the best. On the other hand, they may have an enormous ego and are happy to boast that they can have their cake and eat it. These beings are soul destroyers so do not let them charm you into their bed.

Another reason men cheat is due to self-esteem. Jealousy can be a driving factor and they feel they need to get one over on you by exerting their manliness and to prove that they can still successfully ‘hunt’. A boy on his way to being a man will usually realise the gravity of his mistake once he sees what he may lose because of his actions. They say ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’, however, this is not always the case and forgiveness and remorse can make for a strong foundation going forward…see blog 49!

Long term relationships are at risk of going stale and couples may spend more time as individuals doing their own thing. The more this happens, the less sex happens and the more likely the man will meet someone who creates a new spark. If that spark starts flaming on a regular basis, then he is on a slippery slope to being a cheater. This is where phrases like ‘it just happened’ come from, even though they have been emotionally cheating for months. After a while, relationships can feel like an obligation, so the excitement disappears and instead of listening to why the Mrs is annoyed with him, he’ll seek solace with the woman who makes him feel good. Ultimately though, both sides have a duty to keep the flame burning in the relationship and to be completely honest if they think it is going down the pan. People only stay together for years because they want to!

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Lastly, some men are just evil manipulators. They see a vulnerability they can exploit and in turn you unknowingly meet their needs, either sexually, emotionally, financially or just by making their life easier in general. Whilst you’re playing Mother Hubbard, he is unapologetically sleeping with several different women. Sadly, these can be the most addictive men because women just want to be their number one. Women can easily get wrapped up in these games by making the mans conquests a target of their destruction instead of him…and all it does is increase his already embarrassingly big ego.

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The bottom line is…if both people in the relationship are happy then none of them will cheat…unless they’re mentally unstable. If you have ever been cheated on, please don’t give up on love as it will only make you bitter. Forgive, forget and move on. It is important that you do not tarnish any new man in your life with your ex’s brush, or you’ll push them away with your insecurity. If your partner cheated and you want to forgive them then remember…many couples who experience cheating eventually move past it and have a better relationship in the long run. As long as your happy everyone else will move on too 🙂

And don’t worry guys, I am not man bashing…it the women’s turn next!

Clichés

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Staring down the barrel of a gun

My life flashes before me

I only feel relief

Then I come back to my senses

And I only feel grief

 

Looking through the looking glass

I see a different version of myself

I only feel loss

Then I look away again

And wish I gave a toss

 

Standing on my own two feet

Is becoming too much to bear

I only feel hurt

Then my knees buckle

And I am sat in the dirt

 

Everything happens for a reason

Is what they always tell me yet

I only feel pain

Why can’t the storm end

And leave me with the rain

 

Falling asleep at the wheel

Is becoming a common theme

I only want sleep

Why do they have to wake me

And invade my lonely keep

 

Actions speak louder than words

Is what is rammed down my throat

I only want silence

These voices are too loud

And I want to end them with violence

 

Love is blind and so is hate

I can no longer see ahead

I only feel confusion

Why does it feel like my life

Is really an illusion?

 

Curiosity killed the cat

And hung it out to dry

I only feel wonder

Why can’t it be black and white

to still my emotional thunder

 

You’re killing me with clichés

Is what I had to tell them

I only feel alone

No one could ever understand

Why I love his every bone

 

Dear diary, am I living?

wp-1483736788875.jpgWe all have different ideas about what it means to live a full happy life. There are those ‘superior’ people who insist that if you haven’t done what they have done or do what they are doing, then you have missed out. These kinds of people lay their words on you thickly and they want you to feel envious of their fabulous existence. The truth is though, it can’t be all singing and dancing if they find the time to brag about that existence to you. A higher being did not descend upon them and instruct them to spread the word that everyone should live like them. If they need to put it all up in your face, then perhaps they are not fully enjoying themselves either. The point is, these people make you doubt your life and that is unacceptable. You could have a little fun by pointing out the flaws in their life or ask them if they have considered that not everyone needs the same things as they do…but you would be wasting your time. Leave the self-confessed ‘high fliers’ to their business and wish them well in their future endeavors (like what ex employers who hate you tell you when you leave!). It is delusional to assume someone is jealous of your circumstances and then to be smug about the fact that they feel that way.

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Our society as a consciousness is mainly concerned with success in a monetary and popularity sense. This can push us to chase things that aren’t really for us and this eventually damages our self-esteem, particularly if we fail. Seriously though, who wants to be remembered for how much money they made or how many people they knew?! There are likely to be people who do feel like that and we are not here to judge them, although spiritual living sounds much more appealing than buying ‘stuff’. Money undeniably makes things easier, however, it shouldn’t define the worth of your life. Knowing lots of people may make you feel popular but if they don’t lift your spirits what are they doing for you? We often compare other people’s fun to our own existence and this results in us surrounding ourselves with the wrong people. There are those who think living is going out partying and getting drunk. Others think it is seeing as much of the world as possible. Many parents don’t need anything but the presence of their children to feel fulfilled and see them as their greatest accomplishment. Interestingly, I often see the below meme, which gets thousands and thousands of likes on social media.

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Perhaps living simply is the real key to living? 

Getting bogged down with trying to save for that holiday, getting that promotion or getting little Timmy into that school are all examples of situations that cause us stress. It could be that you keep dropping something (my own cause of stress! Why won’t my hand just keep hold of the damn things?!) or your computer plays up and for the rest of the day you’re annoyed and stressed. These instances stop us living in the moment. For every short spurt of annoyance and anger, happiness disappears from your brain. How many of these moments have you had only this week? The simpler you live the less stress there is to take away your happiness…

…and you will start to feel like you’re living life to the full.

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It’s like when you come across an old friend and have a simple conversation to catch up. There is only you two but the laughter can be heard in the far east because you are feeling spiritually alive. Sadly, we all had the freedom of living like this when we were little children. Whilst children may fight for a toy or paddy at eating dinner, most of their time is spent finding fulfilment in simple things. You buy them a toy and they play with a cushion (lols).

Go back to basics and find life in your immediate surroundings. If you feel the need to steer yourself somewhere else, then go for it. As long as you are still finding happiness in the simple things, you will always feel fulfilled and that your living your life…not just existing. In the end though, only you can validate it!

New Year, New You?

wp-1483290035427.jpgI am sure you have had your fill of the ‘New Year, New Me’ proclamations but surely one more won’t hurt? That’s the spirit! Read on!

For some, 2016 was a great year and for others it was terrible times. We buy into the idea that a year will be for us or against us and so you hear people say things like ‘this year is my year!’ or ‘I’m glad to see the back of 2016!’.

New year resolutions are an effective way to give yourself a guilt free clean slate. For instance, most people start their diets or the gym in January and they are adamant they will be ripped the year after. On social media, many people are doing dry January to give their livers a break after the festive period. Other common resolutions are letting go of toxic people or trying to be a better individual. But why do we always wait until January to make these positive changes to our lifestyles?

Time is of course man made and based on the circadian rhythms of the earth. The first humans didn’t have any concept of time or age, they just lived until they died and survived in between knowing when dark came it meant sleep and when the sun rose it was time to find food. We are in a commercial age now where the year is planned for us by the governments and supermarkets and we are expected to take different action on each event i.e. dress up, buy presents, pray etc. New Year, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Summer holidays, Halloween, Bonfire Night, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, Birthdays. I am sure you can think of others but those right there pretty much structure the year for us and we just happily go along with it. It puts us in a never-ending cycle of expectation and if you don’t earn much, you may struggle to do anything else in the year, other than pay for these events that have ultimately been thrust upon you.

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You must bear in mind that for the corrupt leaders of this world, it is much easier if our minds are occupied with these events. They seek to turn Christians and Muslims against one another. On TV, in magazines and on Instagram famous women wear less and less and enhance themselves more and more. It makes young women want to emulate them and they become less concerned with their brain power. Betting outlets and websites have increased at an alarming rate, as have porn websites. The young men of this world are susceptible to living in a virtual world where things like corrupt politics and unjustified bombings just go unnoticed. We live comfortable lives in the west whilst children starve in the east. Deforestation and climate change is hardly in the news these days yet they threat our very existence and the lives of animals…who have as much right to this earth as us. I could go on and on…

…the point I am getting to is this, if you want a new you in the new year, start living with your eyes open. If you can stop mistreatment or corruption then do it. If you can improve someone’s life by a small gesture do it. If you feel compassion and empathy for a stranger, tell them. Don’t be constrained and warped by a system forced upon you. If you don’t want to celebrate Christmas, you don’t have to! One thing thrine has learned this year is that love conquers all. Not love for your partner or family but love for humanity. It is time we stood up and took back our world. We may not see change for generations but the more we live with our eyes open and speak out against the evils of this world, the more chance the generations after us have of living in peace.

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No doubt you may be thinking this was a little cheesy and preachy, however, it had to be said. If you live for humanity by showing kindness and understanding, even to the cruellest of people, you make a positive change. That positivity will come back to you one way or another and if not, you can smile because this year you helped someone other than yourself.