The Power of Silence

newproject_2_originalPeople want to be heard and they use words and gestures to achieve this (duh). If they do not receive the response or attention they want, they may raise their voices louder and make grander gestures. Whilst this is an obvious point to make about humans, it is often forgotten that silence can be even more powerful.

A typical example is bartering. A proposition is made to buy something for £10. The proposition is declined and a counter offer is made of £20. This is declined and the buyer asks to meet in the middle at £15. The seller pauses to consider this and a silence is created. If the buyer assumes in the silence that the seller is going to say no, he may break the silence and say, ‘what about £17.50?’. The seller is immediately happier as the price is nearer to his original asking price. Had the buyer let the silence hang in the air, the seller may have concluded that it was in fact reasonable to meet in the middle at £15. This art of negotiation can be used for anything, as long as silence is utilised effectively.

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If you ask someone a direct question, always leave it to them to break the silence, otherwise you disturb their thought process and inadvertently end up where you didn’t want to be. Silences like this can be majorly uncomfortable, although once you see the rewards of staying silent, you will find things go your way more often and it is easier to do. The reason for this is that the respondent often feels pressured to answer a direct question quickly and are therefore more likely to  please in haste. In a sense, it is ruthless, however, this skill is beneficial in official settings such as debates, business and protests.

Another way that silence is powerful is when someone or a group of people are attempting to tear you down, either mentally, physically, or both. This behaviour is mainly rooted in jealousy. Jealousy is just as powerful as silence, but it is a negative emotion that can be destructive. If someone calls you a name or spreads hate about you, the worst thing you can do is respond. As soon as that response is made you are in the same categories as them, petty and childish. Remember…

‘Queens don’t leave their thrones for peasants throwing stones’

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The people who know you personally will not pay attention to such comments anyway and any external people who feed hateful behaviour are not worth your time. We live in a politically correct yet judgemental society which is for the most part ‘noisy’. This means silence is now our greatest power. Show people how to behave and progress by focusing on enjoying and furthering your own life. Don’t brag just live! We’re not all born with thick skin but we are born with the ability to be indifferent. In time, the negatives will realise that they are not going to get the response they want from you and that they look more and more ridiculous each time they attempt to strip you of your worth. Let them show the world who they are. Your silence speaks louder than their voice ever could.

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This is applicable to other situations, such as people trying to engage you in negative conversations. If Sandra tells you that she can’t stand Sharon for X, Y and Z reasons, but you like Sharon, don’t sell her out just for the bants. If you stay silent, Sandra will be forced to reconsider if what she just said was appropriate or not. She may continue venting in your silence, or she may pause, think and then break the silence by back tracking, ‘but Sharon’s alright really’. Lols. Engaging in negative conversations about others does not result in positive outcome for yourself. Your circle is representative of who you are, so use your silence to reveal people.

Silence is also an educator for children. It can be majorly frustrating when a child misbehaves or simply won’t listen. Many parents get into the routine of telling their kids off and even arguing with them to stop bad behaviour. The easiest tool to use is…silence!

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This must be backed up with all the willpower you can muster though. Children want attention and they do that by making noise. If you stay silent they will get louder and if you give in at this point then silence can no longer be your weapon of education. However, if you stay silent and let the child’s noise levels peak (even if they’re screaming!) they won’t be able to sustain it in your silence.

20170414_133905No words, no eye contact, no moving them or yourself away. Just still silence. As children’s attention spans are short, they will eventually move on to doing something else. Stay silent until they show a positive action or say positive words. Doing this consistently builds into the child’s consciousness that if they do positive things they will get a positive response. If they do negative things, it will isolate them. Let’s face it, that’s how it is in the adult world and if they grow up with this skill, they will use it effectively in their adult lives. Win win!

So, there you go, a few ways to make silence your all conquering friend.

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Liars

wp-1486732778738.jpgWe all lie at some point. Whether it be a fib, a white lie or a big dirty stinking lie that can only cause pain and distress. The amount you lie is based on your self-confidence, maturity and your compassion for others. People may lie to make themselves appear more important or intelligent than they are, to cover up their unacceptable actions and sometimes to avoid drama. Lies ultimately reflect on the people who told them. Nonetheless, there is nothing worse than being on the receiving end of one, as it can make you question your worth and your relationships. Anyone who is willing to pull the wool over your eyes does not usually have your best interests at heart and you have every right to consider them and their morals forever beneath you.

Having said that, it is not a good habit to just cut people off without trying to come to a resolution and understanding, although this is dependent on the liars behaviour afterwards. If they can be humble enough to admit they lied and they are clearly trying to make amends with you, then you should consider giving them the benefit of the doubt. We all get ourselves in a tangle at some point and before we know it we are spewing untruths left right and centre to try protect ourselves. Of course this only results in you digging a deeper hole for yourself. As much as the truth hurts or makes you cringe, it is the truth and it will set you free. Don’t know something? Admit it. Don’t like something. Admit it. You’re feeling a negative emotional response to someone? Admit it. Keeping Secrets for someone else? Don’t get involved in the first place. Hiding feelings and shame creates new tangles and you have to spend your energy trying to untie yourself from the deceit.
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Forgiveness is also dependant on who the liar is. The lies of a beautiful stranger aren’t going to linger on your mind for too long. If it is friends or family though, you may find yourself extremely angry. Forgiveness comes from understanding and acceptance, so if you can see the logic in their lie, i.e. they were trying to protect you, then that must be considered. We tend to hurt those we love by trying to do the best for them without them knowing. You can never know 100% how to help someone so tread with caution and act in truth if you don’t want the relationship to turn sour. If the lie cannot be justified then feel free to send this person to the nearest exit. Unnecessary lies from friends and family are time consuming and emotional, so if they had no business being in your business, keep them at arm’s length in future.

wp-1486732781882.pngIf you are the liar, then the first thing you need to accept is that you were caught in a lie and now everything you do and say is in question. The person you lied to may feel they never knew you in the first place. Privileges with friends and family could be lost, such as being someone’s confidant, social opportunities and generally just being a part of their lives. Some people find it difficult to trust anyway, so if you have been cut off by someone like this, then you may have to accept the end of a friendship.

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The bottom line is, this universe doesn’t have room for lies. Whether it takes an hour, a day, a year or a decade, THE TRUTH WILL OUT. Save yourself turmoil by only speaking truths. If you don’t lie you don’t have to try remember what you made up! Nobody can get upset with you for being honest and if they do, it is because they can’t face the consequences themselves. Secure people don’t lie because they wouldn’t threaten their own peace and wellbeing, or lead those they love into a false sense of security.

None of us are know-it-alls

You have your opinion I have mine

When I state mine you start to whine

You must entertain a thought you do not like
In case it has a bearing on what you fight

If you go in blind then you will see
the thoughts of others too clearly

Pieces of puzzles must be unearthed
For a mindset to be rebirthed

Making assumptions and jumping the gun
Destroying conversations, it’s not fun

Our pride stops us working together
Social media has cemented this forever

We’re too quick to oppose our fellow man
We’d rather break him down than take his hand

Before you’re quick to squash their view
Try to be kind and walk their shoes

Attitude counts for a lot
Don’t let your head get too hot

90% of what happens depends on how you react
Control yourself to be exact

None of us are know-it-alls
We are slaves of the system in overalls

WHY WOMEN CHEAT

wp-1484917822523.jpgThe last blog post referred to men being animalistic and how this is the main driver of their cheating. Women on the other hand are mostly governed by their heart and tend to cheat due to emotional issues they are experiencing in the relationship.

The majority of women just want to be a man’s number one and to have him show that to the rest of the world. Inappropriate behaviour such as contacting, touching and getting emotionally close to another woman is very damaging to the current woman’s wellbeing. She will begin to feel worthless and have low self-esteem. As is the nature of…well…human nature, it is much easier for a woman to get a man into bed than it is for a man to get a woman into bed. Such opportunities make it easy for women who are emotionally broken to seek comfort and confidence from another man. This does make them feel better and the vision of her current relationship will fade into nothingness as she explores this new exciting venture. It is also easier to justify cheating this way too, although I doubt men see it that way!  If your woman is starting to turn inward then you should be considering whether you are making her feel like number one. If you never intend to make her your number one then it is much kinder to let her go than leave her feeling lonely. Cheating is never okay, although when a woman cheats you can usually create a timeline of  how it happened.

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Extreme circumstances where women cheat (and it is becoming more of an occurrence in these materialistic times), is when they have a scarily large ego with low self-worth. Self-confidence is a beautiful thing but seeking to destroy others to fill yourself up is not. Some women cannot help themselves and they see every other female as competition. Job, looks, clothes, figure, humour, intelligence you name it they will compare every last detail of themselves to someone they are jealous of…and they may even look to your man for self-validation. Unfortunately, there are those out there who actually enjoy trying to take someone else’s partner just prove their worth to themselves. Women who have partners themselves whilst doing this are seriously messed up and will most likely need counselling to resolve their issues. Not only are they stripping away their dignity, they are also putting their man’s wellbeing at risk. Any man dating a woman with this nature should back off quick because she will break your heart, your head and your wallet. Such behaviour in a woman is usually accompanied with other behaviour like gossiping about other women, excessive drinking, attention seeking and maybe even drugs.

Another common but saddening reason women cheat is when they are being physically abused or mentally manipulated. As per my previous blog post ‘Emotional Manipulation’, it takes a number of mental processes to be exhausted for someone to leave such a relationship. It can be brought to an end by the woman seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with another man. Often it is helplessness and fear that keep women in such relationships and the presence of a new man can create a feeling of safety, allowing the woman to break free by cheating with them. This new relationship may not work out, however, it served a purpose of getting rid of the ‘problem’.

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Some women have just had enough of men altogether! They have experienced all the above and have got the t-shirt to prove it. As a result they no longer care about love and only care about what they can get out of it for themselves. Date a kitchen fitter to get your kitchen sorted, date a builder to get that extension, marry a wealthy man then divorce him for his money and so on. These women have literally had their heart broken and have made a firm decision to let it turn to stone rather than heal. So if she seems overly keen about what you can give her, you may have just pulled a woman who wants to take you for a ride then kick you to the curb. These people need the compassion of others to help them heal and some may never come back to love.

wp-1484917426878.jpgSo, where temptation is a man’s weakness, emotions are the woman’s, particularly the feeling of loneliness. If you can’t talk about the problems in the relationship then end it, as cheating is ultimately a soul destroyer for both sides.

Why am I still single?

 

Looking for love can be an exhausting affair. And affairs are sometimes the reason why they are exhausting! We all see that fairy tale couple who seem to have it all and we are left thinking ‘aw I want that’. If you are single, then it is likely you get asked all those questions that make you want to tell people to go away and mind their own business…’are you seeing anyone?’, ‘Do you want to?’, ‘You best start now if you want kids!’, ‘I know someone you can date!’. Those of you who are happily single will probably not care, however, if you are looking to settle down, these comments can be quite depressing.

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There are many awesome males and females looking for love and they just keep coming up short. The biggest love killer I can see is people jumping in head first. Now I must admit, I do believe that some people can meet each other and instantly know it is true love…but even so, it should still be taken slow. The first few weeks/months are crucial to a blossoming relationship and you need to know what you are up against from the word go.

These days, people have sex with each other within the first few weeks of meeting. This in itself can kill a relationship off, as the chase is over before it has even started. The sex has been committed under purely physically circumstances. It is usually the men that start to give the cold shoulder first and individuals like this almost always have more than one lady on the go. Men are more animal in their natures than women, so if you meet a guy in a club and give him sex that night, or even within the month, he already has what he wants from you. He may not be concerned with what your mind has to offer now that the fun part is over.

Women who act this way are generally either confused about what they want, or they are trying to heal from previous heartbreak, by getting validation from someone else. When it comes to sex, women can be much more vulnerable and naive than men. They may think that giving themselves up to a man will ensure his interest in the long term. For the man, it may not even still be about sex once the deed is done. A man could then find a woman’s cleaning, house or even her money useful but ultimately they are just free loading for comfort. They are not there to get to know her ‘spiritual self’. It is the intertwining of our spiritual selves in a truthful way that manifests a loving relationship.

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If you do meet someone and you manage to progress for a couple of months, you need to realise it will still be years before you know this person properly. As I said in the ‘Sex’ post, we keep our darkness hidden from our partners and only show them the light to keep them interested. However, it is inevitable that the darkness will seep out at some point, so honesty from the beginning will strengthen your bond later down the line.

I truly believe the best way to find love is to stop looking for it and change your habits. If you go to the same places every day or every weekend, then your life will never change. Allowing yourself to have new experiences in new places and setting yourself goals, will enable you to strengthen your sense of self. Once you have mastered the ‘self’ you will find that you attract more people, as your new strong and confident aura is doing the pulling for you. If you feel desperate, needy and lonely, you will come across desperate, needy and lonely. It is a harsh truth but one that can be remedied by just making yourself a priority.

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When the right person comes into your life you will know about it. They could be in your life right now but you have not considered them as a partner before. The true love of your life will not have an agenda, cancel at the last minute, brush you off, blatantly lie, embarrass you, insult you or use you in any way. They will just want to be with you and do things for you that make you happy. Most importantly, you must know your worth. If a situation does not feel completely right, then trust your gut and get out of there!