The first thing any parent needs to remind themselves is…your kid did not ask to exist. You and your partner at the time either decided to plan a baby or it ‘just happened’. Interestingly, many parents say they used protection and it didn’t work. Okay…that may be the case for a very small portion of parents but we all know that the majority were thinking of the unprotected pleasure, rather than the pregnancy consequences! No judgement here, however, you are both responsible for the outcome of that union.
So when the baby is on the way and the parents realise they despise each other, what happens next? Well, this post would be far too long if I addressed every possible situation, so I have chosen five instances that appear to be prominent in today’s society. Please be assured that I am not here to bash anyone. I just want to give some food for thought. I did ask two single parents (male and female!) who have been through some similar situations to read it and provide me with feedback. Their responses were very positive and they even gave me additional points to discuss. I hope my readers feel the same and find this post constructive. Should you wish to provide comments, please inbox me on any social media platform, rather than starting a Facebook war!
So here it goes…
- Absent Fathers
As stated in my previous posts, women are much more emotionally vulnerable than men when it comes to sex. A man who is just looking for a one-night stand will be mortified if that night results in pregnancy. Whether they stay around is dependent on their morals and decency as a human. A younger bloke in their late teens or early twenties may be too overwhelmed and bury their head in the sand. A man who is just absent of emotion may project aggression towards the mother to be or insist the child is nothing to do with them. This can be very distressing for the mother of the child. They are left feeling used, unwanted and alone, which can lead to feelings of distress and self-loathing. Not a great start for your unborn child is it? If you are a father to be and you can relate to this…give your head a shake. That seed you sprayed is still your responsibility! If you cannot build a relationship with the Mother, then you need to make this known as early as possible. And you still need to make an effort to be a support system to her until that baby arrives. Women go through all sorts of different emotions during pregnancy so be prepared for a rollercoaster. Once the baby arrives you can start to pull away from the Mothers immediate surroundings and create a comfortable home for your baby at your house for when you have him/her. At least the child will grow up with two loving parents, rather than one, distressed and abandoned Mother. Best of all, you can at least say you did everything you could to make the situation peaceable for all. If you decide to just be absent for the child’s entire life, you are already creating emotional problems for them and the Mother…as well as being liable for thousands of pounds of child maintenance money.
- Controlling Mothers
We know that having babies creates some chemical reaction in women’s brains. How many times have you heard, ‘until you have a child of your own you just won’t understand’? As children grow into self-sufficient beings, the mothers start to miss the dependency and comfort of a baby. This is not the case for every woman though. I have many friends that say they definitely do not want anymore. However, the women that do feel like this can have major control issues if they have drama with their baby father. I personally feel that if two parents are unable to communicate effectively for the sake of their child, then there is no other choice but to respect each other’s parenting decisions. Children are very adaptable and as long as each parent is consistent in their ways, the child will be accustomed to different rules in different houses. If the Mother tries to control every aspect of the child’s life when they are with their father, then major arguments will begin to surface. There is only one victim here…the child. They do not deserve to be in the middle of any parental squabble. The woman may feel that they did all the hard work by carrying the child and giving birth, so they have the right to dictate every aspect of its life. Sadly, that is untrue. The baby would not be in your arms if the man had not laid down with you. Your child is half another person no matter how much you may deny it to yourself. If you continue to be controlling and attack the father, it is likely the child will make up their own mind as to who they want to be around as they get older. What company would you prefer? The screaming, shouting unreasonable one or the loving, hardworking ‘just trying to do the right thing’ one? Unless there are serious concerns, leave the father be and let them parent how they wish when the child is with them. That then allows the Mother to have some well-deserved ‘me time’, instead of creating unnecessary dramatics.
- Children having children
I would never speak ill of young mothers and fathers. I know people who had children at 16 years old and they are fabulous parents. One thing to consider though is, have you lived your life before having children? Often peer pressure can cause teenagers to have sex when they are not ready and these unions may result in a child having a child. For any teenager reading this, please protect yourself. Build your own foundations before taking on a huge responsibility such as a child. Have some savings behind you, a stable home and a partner who loves and respects you. Most importantly, go live your life. Unless you have stacks of cash or a dozen nannies at your disposal, you will have to put travelling the world, going to university and wild nights on hold until your child is older. Another aspect is your mental wellbeing. If you are an immature teenager who is expecting a child, you need to grow up quick. Babies cannot be left alone, negotiated with or traded for another life. You made that bed and you will have to lay in it!
- The revengers
The revengers can encompass all of the above and a whole lot more. A couple may have been together for 20 years with three children then they split…and the rise of the revengers begins. This is the most common situation that I have come across. The one you hear about from your friends and see on social media. When parents have a major showdown about how much they absolutely detest each other and how the other one is the worst parent in the world. These are the people that forget children come first and they are so wrapped up in their own feelings, they can only feel hate and revenge for their ex. Slating your baby father/mother online is pointless for a number of reasons. First of all, nobody really cares about your dramas you just look immature and to be honest, a little sad. You are angry because you are powerless. Social media is the only outlet that makes you feel better because you can get your point across to a million and one people. Then if you’re lucky, one of those people will show your baby father/mother your comments, prompting them to start their own rants. One question though, how does these actions benefit you and your child? Do you think they will be happy to read these comments back in the future? Do you think they will respect you for it? Just bear in mind that no matter how you feel about your ex, your child will love them regardless because they are half of them and are loved by them. Is that not the most important thing here? If you cannot put your hate aside so that your child can have a positive relationship with your ex, then you shouldn’t be a parent. Any serious issues in relation to access or concerns about parenting methods can be resolved in court. Go down that route instead of acting like a child and embarrassing yourself for the whole world to see.
This is one of the most serious and soul destroying acts of all…telling someone you are using protection when really you are not. Many women get so wrapped up in love it can become an unhealthy obsession. Couples are not two halves of the same soul; they are individual spirits. Lying to your partner already brings destruction into your relationship. You cannot lie to have a baby and then pretend it happened by accident. Even if your man is happy that a baby is on the way, you can’t change the fact you lied to him. That lie will forever taint you and your relationship. If you are desperate to have a baby to keep the man you love, then you have to realise this is not the man for you. Or perhaps it is not the right time. A child should be brought into this world with love, so don’t start its life off on the wrong foot by evil doing!
So there you have it. Love it or hate it, Defined by Thrine cares about the youth of today. Let us raise them with positivity and love, even if it hurts us to make the right decision. The most important fact to remember is, everything calms down with time if both parties are willing to negotiate for the sake of their children. I promise that when I finally have a child, I will revisit this post to see of my opinion has changed.